Ali Formby

2010-01-31T23:04:00.000-08:00

our world is temporary. you can't have it and you can't hold on to it. the more you try, the more it will actually take hold of you. seek truth and cling to it. then you will really be free.

the world teaches us to see with an eye devoid of conscious. true, pure good looses its draw. evil becomes intriguing and full of charm.

"Where the eye is focused, there the imagination finds its raw material. The right focus must be won at immense cost and discipline. Train the eye to see the good, and the imagination will follow suit."

a Polaroid a day for 365 days by my dear friend, Parker Fitzgerald.
it's hard to pick a favorite. i love the quotes. google them and read them in context!

(take care of your soul.)

nouveau.

2010-01-22T15:02:00.000-08:00

after feeling completely uninspired the past four months, i have learned that it is impossible to truly be uninspired...just lazy. now it is time, again, for the creation to create. i like working with my hands. sitting in a classroom all day pushes me to insanity - i need to be writing, photographing, sewing, creating. i may not live up to other people's standards of an artist, but that is fine because i shouldn't be doing anything for my own glory. these lives are not ours to live - they are the Lord's. i am a steward of the time and talents He has given me. i don't want anything other than my relationships with Christ and with people to define me. anything else would be like chasing after the wind - and i would never be satisfied.

"am i now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? or am i trying to please men? if i were still trying to please men, i would not be a servant of Christ." - galatians 1:10

can i be so vulnerable as to say that i sometimes i have to pray to WANT to seek God's heart? i am no one by my own accord, and it has taken a swift kick in the rear to make me truly understand that i can be someone by God's grace and i NEED to be constantly relying on Him and pursuing Him to grow into that woman. i think the simplest advice i have ever been given was to "seek God. in everything, seek God." this is profound, to me, because i can count on one hand how many times this past month i have actually done so. and i am shamefaced. instead of running faster when i have lost my way, like most of us have a tendency to do, i want to take the focus off of myself (where it never should have been) and find ways to bless God, instead of looking for Him to bless me.

things of late that have inspired me:

blonde birdie

blonde birdie

did you know that owl's feathers are designed to be noiseless when they fly? that way their prey (who are nocturnal and rely mostly on sound) cannot hear them coming.

blague du jour:

2009-09-27T19:35:00.001-07:00

le maître demande: "qu'est-ce qui est le plus près, l'angleterre ou la lune?"
toto: "la lune bien sûr !"
le maître: "comment peux-tu penser ça?"
toto: "ben… la lune on peut la voir d'ici, l'angleterre non!"

matters of the heart.

2009-08-09T00:00:00.000-07:00

i expected moving from nashville back to texas to be a breeze. to be relatively boring. just finishing school and then onto something else. well, it's been six months and it's been everything but what i thought it was going to be. i suppose that is how it always goes though, right?

before continuing, i would suggest reading one of my previous notes about my back and nashville. it would just make more sense.

the past six months:
1. my phone has been broken, replaced, number changed, and stolen. yes, friends i am still without phone. this isn't exactly a matter of the heart, but i think some people are under the impression i am ignoring them. i am not. promise.

2. every place i move to, every job i take, and the school/major i decide on, i always do my best to make sure it is in God's will. i regret none of my moves. how could i? i am healed both physically and spiritually. i live for a very great God. but who is perfect? i can't seem to stop doing careless or stupid things. we are self serving, myself included. always looking out for number one. i am so ashamed and disappointed in myself when i think of some of the things i've done. fortunately, my God forgives. not only forgives, but renews, strengthens, and gives wisdom when we ask.

3. when i moved back to texas i more or less became a hermit. eh - hermit seems like such a negative word. more - i retreated. i intentionally cut myself off from people and places to do some much needed cleaning. i want(ed) to become who God needs me to be. i want(ed) to make sure that what i am doing is not blessing me, but blessing God. because, after all, my only purpose is to glorify Him. i put down my camera, i threw away material things (cloths, jewelry, books, etc), and i picked up my Bible. i started praying. i love how eager God is to meet with me, even when i ignore Him for so long. i wish i could be more like that to other people, and that other people could show me that forgiveness and love.

4. even during my quest to clean and gain wisdom, i kept failing myself. i kept slipping and doing things i knew i shouldn't. sometimes, i act much older than i really am. and sometimes, i act much younger than i really am.

5. i've lost touch with a wonderful friend i didn't even realize i loved so much until he was gone (don't you hate that?). i've come to realize that i am a bad communicator. i just do things. and i have my reasons for doing things the way i do, and in my head they all make sense, but i never verbalize them when i need to. i am constantly learning and...i am trying. i am sorry.

6. this journey i am on i never expect to end. i don't want it to. i look forward so much to each day and the ways i know i will see God. He loves me. even when i am down and at my lowest of lows, He loves me and wants nothing more than to pick me up and carry me. it's exciting to think of our bodies as merely vessels. that this world really isn't our home. and someday, we'll be called back Home.

7. i love you all. and even if i don't say it or show it, you've each impacted me in a way i am so thankful for.

thirty-five.

2009-07-13T12:25:00.001-07:00

heat wave.

thirty-four

2009-07-01T20:50:00.001-07:00

i always assume people do not like me. so i'm always really surprised when i find out that someone likes me/wants to be my friend.

recent circumstances have reminded me how fragile i truly am. i have not had a hug in 45 days. (but who is counting?) these recent circumstances have also led me to do a "deep cleaning" of my spirit. who has read the book "the host"? it's kinda...screwy, but i like the concept. and as a believer in Jesus Christ, i think it's an important concept for christians to understand. these physical bodies are merely vessels. this is not our home. we are ONLY here to glorify God.

so i've been looking back and looking to now - have i been glorifying God?

there are a few things i regret terribly (to the extent that it has literally made me sick):
1. leaving HSU. i shouldn't have. God wanted me there. and i knew it. i only wonder what i have missed out on now..
2. certain relationships. but i think a lot of people have this one. if i knew then what i know now - i wouldn't date all but one of the guys i dated.

sometimes i get frustrated with the wisdom i have now because i wish i had it then. does that make sense?

i'm jumping around a lot.

things i've changed:
1. i no longer listen to music. (i take that back - everybody should be listening to mj right now) recently, it all just sounds like noise. even "the good stuff" that isn't on the radio. noise. it's just a phase.
2. it has been almost 60 days since i touched my camera. i'm not sure when i'll pick it up again.
3. i...am...tan(ish). well, i go to the pool and i wear a swimsuit and i don't freak out. this is a big deal.
4. i have not done anything to my hair in almost 60 days. i don't touch it when i get out of the shower. i don't even know where my dryer is.
5. i'm in a bible study.

my heart is hurting on a completely new level. i can't explain it. it's not a "woe is me" kind of hurt. it's a - necessary - hurt. like when you break a bone (that hurts) and you need to set it, but you don't want to because you know it will hurt so bad. i'm in a way setting the bone.

i have walked away from things i was (and honestly still would like to) holding on to. i am being open to different things.

i've been in a sort of solitary refinement.

thirty-four.

2009-06-23T13:12:00.001-07:00

a few of my favorite things:

1. chanel chance perfume
2. romantic wish body butter
3. irish spring body soap
4. laundry detergent - either plain ol' tide or gain lavender
5. purses that go across your body
6. izze sparkling apple or blackberry
7. sans pellegrino
8. basset hounds and german shepherds
9. writing in cursive
10. adventures in odyssey! (don't judge me)
11. chips and salsa
12. avacados
13. converse (low)
14. safari shirts
15. the color grey
16. cool weather
17. stormy weather
18. coffee
19. pie
20. pale skin
21. french language
22. paper lanterns
23. red, red roses
24. disposable cameras
25. white nail polish
26. getting to bed before 10
27. apple cinnamon candles
28. rings
29. high waisted skirts
30. van morrison

6/24 update:
not to be a downer, but i really don't like my life.
the past 45 days have been hell-ish.

thirty two

2009-06-16T20:20:00.000-07:00

thirty - one

2009-06-08T20:25:00.000-07:00

about me: my name is ali. i am 22. i reside in south texas. i am an english major. i listen to: van morrison, eisley, yann tiersen, debussy, rolling stones. i really do not care for sunshine. cloud cover and/or thunderstorms are comforting to me. i want to live somewhere someday where the weather is stormy all the time. in a small house with lots of windows. i prefer to wear tennies all the time - i own maybe one pair of sandals. i impulsively buy books. i have drawers full of books and someday i will get around to reading them all. loud noises make me anxious. coffee runs through my veins. i am a true, unfortunate addict. i think we don't see the physical miracles we read about in the Bible anymore because our faith is so limited. nothing encourages my heart and my faith more than to tell people of the love and new life my God has given me. Jesus is not your homeboy, He is your Lord and Savior. I think the Church has watered down His Divinity over time and it's something that needs to be focused on more. i have a sister. she is unbelievably intelligent. her name is lauren, she is nine, and she tests at a PHS (post high school) level. i am quiet, introspective and not very good at first impressions. i am not the life of the party. some people may consider me boring. they're probably right.

"to never forget your own insignificance. to never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. to seek joy in the saddest places. to never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. to respect strength, never power. above all, to watch. to try and understand. to never look away. and never, never, to forget."

thirty

2009-05-28T10:24:00.000-07:00

good coffee:
1. portland brew
2. fro mo
(oh man. i'm missing nashville now)
3. seattle's best - my fav

bad coffee:
1. starbucks
(seriously. folgers is better)

currently reading four books:
1. the visitation
2. monster
3. for women only
4. lies women believe and the truth that sets them free
(i know, i know)

recently, i've had this overwhelming desire to go back to oregon. my love and obsession with rain and overcast skies has returned. actually, so much so that this sunny weather we have almost everyday here is driving me nuts. my eyes hurt.

i am putting down my camera...for now. no more shoots - don't email me right now. i'm needing to...more or less...retreat into myself and my God. i kinda don't want to talk to anyone for a while. which it's funny, because it's not like i talk a lot anyway.

twenty-nine

2009-05-21T10:16:00.000-07:00

you look so beautiful, it hurts me slightly.

twenty-eight

2009-05-18T15:05:00.000-07:00

new news:
1. got a job.
2. found out i don't have time for a job...we'll see how that goes.
3. got a 4.0 this semester.
4. will be going to UTSA this summer.
5. mayyyy be going to UNT in denton this fall!
6. major: english/journalism. something of the like.
7. lots of new, good new things. stressful new things. but good new things.
8. but one not-so-good new thing makes all of this seem so insignificant.

conversation between my mom, dad, and lauren:
lauren: i know we can't have a cat because ali is allergic....and it's not her fault, but when is she moving out?
mom: well, i don't know. maybe at the end of the summer.
dad: lauren, even when ali moves out we're not getting a cat. i don't like cats.
lauren: when are you moving out?

come on come on, lets take a chance now
we could fall in love
come on come on, lets take a chance now
we could fall in love

stealing to your window, again
now i say "we could fall in love"
sighing in exasperation,
"no." you say again "this simply is not love"

and i just know that we could work out
even though your royalty and i am not
but there's a chance that you are wrong and
i am right this time

come on come on lets take a chance now
we could fall in love
come on come on lets take a chance now
we could fall in love

thrashing through the fen and dew,
i thought what i wouldn't do for you
stealing hearts of Marsh King's daughters,
well this is something new

and i just know that we could work out
even though your royalty and i am not
but there's a chance that you are wrong
and i am right this time and you are out of line

come on darling run with me, we'll take the bog on foot
we'll be not lost you see, though dark the bog shall be
when we arrive there on our feet you just stay close to me

come on come on lets take a chance now
we could fall in love
come on come on lets take a chance now
we could fall in love

bring the rain and the bring the mire
because we've always been okay
there was this time not too long ago that
you listened to me say

come on come on lets take a chance now
we could fall in love
come on come on lets take a chance now
we could fall in love

God will awaken adam when eve is ready.

twenty-seven

2009-05-12T19:21:00.001-07:00

uhm - someone please get me a baby hound dog. one of my own. how can you resist that?

"one thing i truly knew - knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest...was how love gave someone the power to break you."

i don't know what is happening. and i quite literally walk around gasping for air.

"with shaky legs, ignoring the fact that my action was useless, i followed him into the forest. the evidence of his path had disappeared instantly. there were no footprints, the leaves were still again, but i walked forward without thinking. i could not do anything else. i had to keep moving. if i stopped looking for him, it was over. love, life, meaning...over."

where you are is the right place for me.

twenty-six.

2009-05-08T21:47:00.000-07:00

how come Ric Rac Clothing is so expensive (apart from the fact that their pieces are unique and beautiful)?

tegan and sara - yes
lykke li - yes
debussy (even before twilight, ok!) - yes
bumble and bumble seaweed shampoo - yes
chanel chance - yes
disney's the kid - yes
arrested development - yes
I35 - no

trent tells me i'm fragile. i would like to argue that statement, but the bruises that cover my legs lost that battle. oh, this week i fell twice...all the way to the ground...face plant. ouch.

*pain isn't optional, but misery is.

twenty-five.

2009-05-05T22:15:00.000-07:00

i had the most incredible cheesecake and chocolate swirl brownies tonight. they were so good i had to create a whole post just to tell y'all about them. oh, and starting now i only drink water (lots of), coffee, and tea. that's it.

twenty-four.

2009-05-05T09:36:00.001-07:00

my must have fashion list for the spring/summer (on a budget):

1. football pants! so versatile. really. they can be cute. promise.
2. american apparel strapless body suits. last year i got about 987523 of them (mayyybe an exaggeration) and they are magical. wear them with anything. and don't judge the bodysuit until you wear one. no tucking required.
3. american apparel black (and only black) mesh bodysuit. can be difficult to wear, but meagan proctor and i discovered some cute styles last summer with them.
4. biker shorts. er...i guess that's what they are called (i have no athletic cred. trent would be embarrassed. ha.) - those short leggings. in black. they have to be the short ones. too hot otherwise.
5. long tank tops.
6. vests. structured (still looking for one) and long, cotton ones.
7. white linen shorts.
8. button-up, collared shirts. roll up dem sleeves!
9. the v-neck.
10. tiered skirts. and always the classic black skirt.
11. gladiator sandals.
12. baseball shirts.
13. ruffled tank tops (check target).
14. wide leg jeans.
15. big belts.

even though i do think it's stylish and cute - i'm trying very hard to not look like i covered myself in glue and rolled around in urban outfitters or american apparel.

there's what's in my closet this season (minus the football pants and structured vest...i can't find the ones i'm after). all affordable. not much. mix and match-able.

twenty-three.

2009-05-04T07:30:00.000-07:00

look at me - another post!

i do not, not, not want to offend anyone. and nothing i'm going to say is directed at any person (i hate how you have to preface so much with that nowadays).

1. nothing would please me more than to never have to deal with texas tech university ever again. i went there and it sucked. my adviser never advised me. no one was ever helpful. i did not have a good academic experience there. and it us unacceptable to take almost THREE MONTHS to send a transcript. seriously, tech? because of them and their inability to get things done - i may not get into UTSA. the deadline was may 1st. i requested transcripts to be sent from TTU to UTSA in march. UTSA said that even though i did everything i was supposed to, if TTU didn't send the transcript by the deadline...i can't get in. dear tech, if that's true...get ready for a very angry lady and her parents. this is the forth time i've requested transcripts from them. each time took a ridiculous amount of time to come in. it's a good school - i just didn't have a good experience.
2. i have friends with tattoos and facial piercings, so don't think that i'm judging the person at all - but i simply think they take away from people's beauty. my eyes immediately go to the metal on someone's face - even if they have the most beautiful eyes, i don't notice them right off. i used to want some tattoos and i'm glad i was too chicken to go through with it. not that i necessarily disagree with tattoos or piercings (i think it depends on who gives them to you) - they just aren't for me.
3. i've been adding cinnamon to my coffee. yumm...
4. i don't think i'm a bad photographer, but i don't think i'm good either. i look at some people's photos and i'll think "yeah, i'm not bad at all" (ha) and i'll look at other people's photos and i won't even be able to call myself a photographer, much less a good one. i know they style of photographs i'm going for and i don't know how to get there except to just practice and take lots of pictures. but since i've moved to san antonio - i don't know anyone here to take pictures of. i'm in a creative rut and i want to get out, i just don't have the means to do so right now.
5. some photogs i admire:
tec petaja (if i ever get married he WILL be taking my photos. i love how his work doesn't look over processed. it's very clean).
allister ann (she takes the most simple things and shows their deepest beauty).
keaton andrew (i think his photos are very versitile. they're pretty, they're edgy, and they're unique...which is very hard to be).
joy newell (breath of life. literally. she's so young and she's so talented. i don't have words to express how her photos make me feel. i want her to take my photograph).
lara jade (very avante garde. she belongs in a magazine. another young talented lady).
lauren stonestreet (my soul sister. constantly growing. always impressing me. you must take the time to look at her africa pictures).
6. sometimes i miss my bangs, but i'm determined to grow them out!!
7. i need a nice part time job. or more photoshoots. help a sister out, please?

twenty-two.

2009-05-03T16:38:00.000-07:00

sometimes i'm real motivated to keep this, but most of the time i don't think twice about it. here are some ramblings and things going on in my head and in my heart:

(list form...as usual...i'm a list maker)

1. tax return came in. more than i thought. hooray for being a dependent. i have, however, had a strangely hard time purchasing anything other than gas and the necessities with it. i'm trying to convince myself that i need to be responsible with it. and i can't justify spending $50 on a top, no matter how much i like it. so this spring/summer i will not be able to call myself a trendsetter. how sad. growing up can be a drag.

2. i'm clumsy and have a low self esteem. used to, i was okay with this. now i'm not. my legs are covered in bruises from the countless falls and trips i take. my boyfriend tells me i need to be more careful and be aware of my surroundings. it's easy when he's here - he just carries me everywhere. he doesn't let me fall, but when he's gone...well...then he's gone. and i don't like that. my low self esteem is also something i've been working on. except i really don't know how to work on it. i do little things like not allowing myself to look through magazines or other people's myspace/facebook pictures because i always get down on myself. but lately that just isn't enough. i pray about it. my identity is in Christ. but who and what does He want me to be? so if anyone has a suggestion on how to work on low self esteem...please let me know.

3. in America - about 200 people out of 300 million have swine flu. i'm not sure how this constitutes as an epidemic. but good news texas - 23 million of us don't have it.

4. i think it's much easier to love someone than to like someone. i really struggle with liking many people.

5. there are a lot of wonderful people in my life. i'm blessed.

twenty-one.

2009-04-14T07:21:00.000-07:00

before eight this morning i booked two photo shoots. i can't tell you how happy it makes me to take pictures and i haven't in too long.

waiting on that tax return:

- by MyChanel featuring Stella McCartney jackets

Things Change, Beauty Remains by KatieFashionista♥ featuring Christian Louboutin heels & wedges

twenty.

2009-03-31T07:14:00.000-07:00

i'm bad at this blogging thing. i never look on here. actually, i'm in the slow process of dropping off the face of the internet world.

too much is new and i don't care to update it all on here (only out of laziness). life is great. no complaints. janelle got married this past weekend and her wedding was....was...there are no words. seriously. that beautiful. and what was the first thing her brother told us when we showed up, but - "hey! did you know jessica simpson got married here??!" hahahaha. austin is a magical place and i want to live there someday soon.

since i'm so bad at updating this i decided i would post pictures and links of finds that i particularly fancy. here i go:

(zebra print)
this must be my summer of dresses.

severe cold. no fun. woke up to thunder and hail this morning - that was neat.

nineteen.

2009-02-25T23:07:00.000-08:00

i'm dedicating a whole entire post to the most adorable, beautiful, and outrageously talented woman: Björk.

her voice hypnotizes me. i want her watches and skin. honestly, this woman is my hero.

eighteen.

2009-02-17T21:37:00.000-08:00

so many new and exciting things coming up! i can't wait to share them with yall. soon, soon, soon!!!

seventeen. (my heart)

2009-02-09T21:52:00.000-08:00

this will be in list form. it'll be easier this way. this is my heart. i am being extremely open and honest in this post. it is long past due and i am writing it to encourage and inspire. please do not judge or criticize me.

1. apparently i need to come with a disclaimer: i'm really not that cool. in fact, i am no one. what you see on the internet does not define people. my facebook, my myspace, my blog - these do not define me. they are merely drops in the ocean of the actual, real person. you can't say you know what someone is by these things.

2. we are constantly waiting for people to fail. this hurts me and saddens me. and i will not cast the first stone because i've done it too. we all do at times. look at the news. when was the last time you saw a tabloid report on someone's success? sure, it happens, but they all crave the failures of people. that's what sells the most copies. that's sad. you can have a wonderful person, a wonderful heart, someone being completely real and vulnerable, but one mishap or one misunderstanding and let's stone them. let's focus in on that instead and tear them apart. let's jump to conclusions because that's easier. make them feel like shit so they don't think they will ever be able to please anyone. my new years resolution (my parents and i are doing this) is to try and make a bigger deal out of something good someone has done. and if someone needs to be called out on something, then by all means, but do it with kindness. not with hate.

3. no one is owed anything. if you want something, work for it. earn it. you'll end up loving it more.

4. do you ever want to drop off the face of the earth and not talk to a soul? or am i the only one? i've felt this way recently.

5. i'm rereading this and it sounds depressing. that wasn't my intent. they're just my thoughts and hopefully at the end of this post it will all come together and make sense.

6. i've moved more than the average person. i used to really be bitter and angry with my parents for it, but now i'm realizing that all those moves and pick ups were preparing me. to make what i have been called to do easier.

7. because of my moves, i've always had a hard time making friends. and i was an only child for 14 years so i had to learn to play by myself. i'm very quiet. i am okay with not talking. i am a connoisseur of solitude you could say. and a bit socially awkward...which i suppose was inevitable considering my upbringing.

8. when i was 18 i felt called to nashville. a very random city consider i am not musical at all. i love and appreciate music, but trust me when i say you don't want to hear me sing. my family didn't support my desire to move to nashville. i had no plan or reason other than i felt God's direction. i understand where my family was coming from on not being supportive, but God's word has always been enough of a reason for me. so i pushed and pushed and finally, after three years i made it to nashville. the road to get there was painful and hard. it completely broke me.

9. i got to nashville the summer of '08. finally. no money. no place to live. no job. just faith. still no support from my family. a very lonely place to be. but i was hopeful and excited about that. within a week the most amazing doors were opened. i found a roommate. very randomly. never met or heard of her, but as we got to know each other it turned out we had a ton of mutual friends. we'd even dated the same guy. SMALL WORLD. hahahaha.

10. urban outfitters, ebay, and american apparel for the longest time has owned my wardrobe. i used to say that how i dressed was how i expressed myself. and while that is true and a lot of people are that way, through the people i met in nashville and the places i visited, i realized that everyone was expressing themselves the exact same way with the exact same style. even the same interests. while most definitely not all were fake, i started to notice that too many people were joining this "form of expression" just to fit in and feel a sense of belonging and identity. it was almost frustrating. i got to the point where i wanted nothing to do with that sort of thing. i sold a majority of my closet, took that money, and told God to dress me. i wanted to be able to express myself, but i wanted my expression to be Christ's "style". because He is who i live for. not the latest and greatest trends.

11. as He slowly started to change my style (which may seem insignificant, but it is a big deal. i think girls will understand this.)i noticed my heart softening and breaking and healing all at the same time. my style was definitely me, but it was my comfort blanket. having to release even my cloths and hair style and make up to Him was an uneasy thing. not because cloths are important, but because i knew that by this little step of sacrifice for Him, i knew more would need to happen. i was stripping off my cloths quite literally to Him, making myself physically vulnerable, but spiritually i was having to strip things off as well. strongholds and fears. i've never had a quality relationship with a man. not just dating, but men in general. i remember even once having to file a report against a man i worked for a few years back. i was afraid of men because of what they had done to me and my heart. so consequently i was afraid to completely give over my heart to the Lord for Him to hold instead of me. even though i know He will never leave me, forsake me, or hurt me...my fear was bigger than my faith then. and that is never good.

12. times heals. i believe this wholeheartedly. there are so many bad boyfriends i have had or rough friendships, and i've found that over time my heart is incapable of holding grudges. this doesn't mean that i want to be best friends with certain people again, it just means i can't hold hard feelings for people.

13. time healed my relationship with Christ, too. not that He ever hurt me. quite the opposite really. i have a problem with never feeling valuable. i never feel like good things should happen to me. and i'm not worthy to even talk to my Creator after i ignore Him for periods of time like i sometimes do. but we all stumble and His grace is so unfair. this is beautiful.

14. this isn't something that many people know, but i have had scoliosis ever since i can remember. not just mild scoliosis either....severe. my family and i even talked about the surgery. it is so bad that my spine curves into my lungs and organs. i can't get all the oxygen that is healthy. this makes me tire easily. it also has curved in such a way that it pinches my stomach. THIS is why i have been so thin. NOT because i starve myself. my stomach has been pinched to half it's size. i cannot even explain how much the anorexia quips hurt me. i know when people say them behind my back. people tell me. it always made me sad because there really was nothing i could do about it. it was my scoliosis. my back also curves in such a way that my upper body has a hard time supporting itself. a doctor mentioned once that since i have enough of a time walking that having a baby should be out of the question. he should have just killed me right then.

15. bottom line: bad back. it's affected my life in terrible ways, but it's all i have ever known. i'm used to it. i know how to compensate my weight so people can't notice. and i haven't worn a swimsuit since i was a junior in high school because of it.

16. on december the sixth, two thousand eight, God removed the ground from under my feet and replaced it with something heavenly. my word here will not even begin to describe the awesomeness that happened. and i am already crying as i am writing this: my roommate heard about a speaker that was coming to nashville. neither of us knew anything about him, but someone at work actually wanted my shift (which never happens) so i decided to go with her. we got there and it turned out this guy was a super charismatic speaker. now...i was raised southern baptist so this was way out of my comfort zone to say the least. but i believe i have the gift of discernment and i didn't feel like anything he did or said was not of God. he was real and it was quite obvious. the praise and worship was great and the message was great. then he asked anyone with a degenerative disorder to stand up. okay, my goal in life is so blend into the wall so i had no intention of standing up, but my roommate had a very type a personality so she picked me up and made me stand there. haha. the speaker proceeded to tell everyone to gather around who was standing and just pray over them (awesome. i hate people touching me.). my roommate was to my right, an older woman behind me and a young girl in front of me (sidenote: phil joel was there. no big deal.). they started praying and i stood there awkwardly. finally the woman behind me asked me if i was healed. i looked at her like she was crazy and was like "uhm. no. i have to get rods in my back." they kept praying and i started to get really confused. why was she praying for my back to heal completely when only a major surgery and permanent rods would do that? then an old man walked up to me and said: "does your back curve into your body? like into your lungs? i think that is what God is telling me." STUNNED. i have never seen this man in my life. i nodded and he said "okay! let's heal this thing." he laid his hand on my back and as God as my witness they all felt my spine move and it is completely straight. i'm not lying and even as i write this i realize how surreal this sounds. but it is totally true and i have an increased appetite, full lungs, and an extra inch added to my height to prove it. i had a major surgery that night, but i had the most divine Doctor. no recovery time. no pain. He even numbed my back so i didn't even feel it moving. it literally brings me to tears. i am so undeserving. i am not perfect. there are people with much worse and fatal health problems (like my dad who i love so much and want a new body for him so badly) that needed this more than i did. i was okay with what my back was. i didn't like it, but i accepted it a long time ago. to say i am thankful i don't think is enough. i really don't have words. i had to learn to walk again. my quality of life is incredible now. my faith has skyrocketed and to think that God loves me SO MUCH that He was so something so awesome like that for me makes me feel so special. especially since i know i am so flawed.

17. the speaker told us that you read in the bible about people who just wanted to touch Jesus' robe because they knew that would heal them...just touching His cloths that He is inside of. this reminded me that the same Jesus who healed just as miraculously then is inside of you and me. we possess so much power and healing because of Him, but our faith is so narrow that we never get to unleash God's awesomeness. not as much as we should.

18. i've let go. i'm letting God.

19. my move to nashville was not a mistake. it was not a failure. and i don't regret moving even if i didn't have my family's blessing at the time. i am new - inside, out. i was completely broken and i was healed. i am still being healed.

20. be slow to anger. rich in love. don't guard your heart, let God do that for you. there will always be people who don't like you and you will never be able to do right in their eyes. but just remember not to let that anger or jealousy define you.

21. judgement is not our job. not in any form or fashion. there is a difference between holding someone accountable and tearing them down.

22. lastly, in the words of Solomon, this sums my heart up:
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil - this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.

Whatever is has already been,
and what will be has been before;
and God will call the past to account.

And I saw something else under the sun:
In the place of judgment—wickedness was there,
in the place of justice—wickedness was there.

I said to myself,
"God will bring into judgment
both the righteous and the wicked,
for there will be a time for every activity,
a time to judge every deed."

I also said to myself, "As for human beings, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. Surely the fate of human beings is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath; humans have no advantage over animals. Everything is meaningless. All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. Who knows if the human spirit rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?"

So I saw that there is nothing better for people than to enjoy their work, because that is their lot. For who can bring them to see what will happen after them?

sixteen.

2009-02-09T14:20:00.000-08:00

if you wanted to give me a hug today i'd take one.
can't wait for march.

fifteen.

2009-02-06T21:53:00.001-08:00

south padre today. high winds made for pretty clouds and caps. i want to learn how to surf. badly. i like how i can go to the beach in january. wearing shorts. lesson for today: drink more water when at a beach.

fourteen.

2009-02-04T21:43:00.000-08:00

how can a moleskin give me so much joy?

thirteen.

2009-01-26T11:30:00.000-08:00

GWYNETH Paltrow.
to me, this is one of the most beautiful ladies ever. i just really like her. always have. her style, her movies, her beauty, and she speaks spanish.

it's foggy today and abnormally chilly for south texas.
but it's wonderful here.
i feel free from so much.
people make me laugh/scream/mostly laugh.
it's better if i keep my mouth shut.
so many decisions to make.
i want a black cherry soda.

twelve.

2009-01-24T18:20:00.001-08:00

give me your eyes.

eleven. (the real update)

2009-01-17T16:04:00.000-08:00

1. over the past few months i've finally (after so long) made myself vulnerable to my God. He's rocked my world. quite literally. that'll be a post in itself. oh my i love Him so much. i want to tell random people i don't even know what all He has done in my life recently.

2. people (mostly family) don't understand why i go where i go to do the things that i do. well here is the answer, and it's quite simple: i go wherever i think the Lord is directing me. even if i don't really know why, i will go. because He is enough. He has been, is, and will always be my sustainer. He has done too many radical things and made Himself too real for me to not do what He says. i want more than anything to be where He wants me. because, trust me, when you are in the perfect will of the Lord - awesome. things. happen.

3. my photography has been put on the back burner for such a long time. only because i've been so discouraged with it. i look at other people who have a nice camera and think that it automatically makes them a photographer. it's frustrating! because it doesn't. and i hope people don't think i think i'm a photographer merely because i own a nice nikon. i've finally reached a point and a confidence where i don't mind if i don't measure up to your photography standards. i do this for me. it's my outlet. and i want to grow and get better. and i have people who support me in it and say i'm good.

4. i all of a sudden like painting my nails. i've never done that until recently.

5. i miss california quite terribly.

6. 2009 is showing itself to be a beautiful year. i feel very clear direction from God on things i never had. finally.

7. pretentiousness. pretentiousness. pretentiousness. is so irritating. nashville wreaks of it. it's funny because before i moved to nashville i might say i was a bit on the pretentious side. and i cared so much about style and my hair and blah, blah, blah. then i got here and saw how consumed this city is with appearance and show that it literally gave me a headache.

8. my heart has been shifting and moving in a totally new direction. my foundations and passions are mostly the same, but my perspective on them is completely different. i don't care how you look and how i look. i care about our hearts. i don't want your show. that sort of thing doesn't impress me.

9. i urge everyone, including myself, to pursue what you love. not what you think you should love or what other people tell you to love. people become very transparent and obvious when they stop following their own heart and start following other people's.

10. i am quiet and i am okay with it. i do not like being the center of attention and there is nothing wrong with that. i hate crowds and parties and that doesn't mean there is something wrong with me. just like i don't understand some people, i suspect some people don't understand me. we all have to be okay with that.

11. my pet peeve is when people say they are going to do something, but they never do.

12. my heart has finally found a home. it's not necessarily a place.

13. i don't have a problem with tattoos, but i don't think i could ever get one. and it's funny because i used to want one so badly. but everyone is different. and for me writing "faith" or "love" on my wrists doesn't make sense anymore. if faith is believing in something that isn't seen, then why do i want a visual reminder? i used to be so attracted to tattoos, too. thought they were dreamy and stuff. not anymore. gosh...no, no.

14. 2007 to 2008: nothing substantial happened in my life. i'd honestly have to think hard to remember anything notable. but just the past five months i could probably write a book. i love hearing people's testimonies. but i almost wish there was another word or idea for it because to me no one's testimony is finished. it won't be until Jesus takes us home. but if someone were to ask me what my testimony was (up until now), a good chuck of it would be based around the past few months.

15. there are so many things i want to be and so many places i want to go. i wonder if one lifetime will be enough.

16. lately i've felt like so many people's words are empty. tell me something real. something you mean. if you want to be my friend...be my friend! don't just say you want to be, but then become too busy.

17. and i'm with lydia - it's ridiculous how much we judge people based on their myspace or facebook. i refuse.

18. dear america, please - support israel.

ten.

2009-01-17T13:40:00.000-08:00

beaaauuuutifulll photo by bill hatcher. the be honest, this is really the only one of his i loved, but this photo is magical.

photo by james blair. who thinks of twilight when they see this? i want it hanging on my wall.

nine.

2009-01-16T00:10:00.000-08:00

i want a lomo camera.
with flash.
and a wide angle lens.
please.

YUM
also, i need this. i'll share with you, andrew. maybe.

eight.

2009-01-14T16:11:00.000-08:00

things i want:
1. arrested development season two
2. asian market
3. a phone that can send pictures

seven.

2009-01-13T03:48:00.001-08:00

six.

2009-01-10T23:14:00.001-08:00

"Just remember, the same as a spectacular Vogue magazine, remember that no matter how close you follow the jumps: Continued on page whatever. No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice. None of this matters. We're just warming up.”
-Chuck Palahniuk

five.

2009-01-10T17:17:00.000-08:00

if i was stranded on a deserted island, i don't think i'd want to be found. leave me stacks and stacks of books, my camera, van morrison albums, and some crossword puzzles. i'm good.

four.

2009-01-08T14:33:00.000-08:00

dear nashville, memphis, northern mississippi, little rock, shreveport, dallas, waco, austin, and san antonio:

i'll be coming to see you this month. so if you are interested in a photoshoot let me know. i have all sorts of packages and specials going on. also, if you are a photographer - let's play! january is a big month for me and i want to share it with you all.

love love, ali.

three.

2009-01-07T12:50:00.001-08:00

my resolution this year was to start eating meat (i guess i just got hungry) and try to yoga a couple times a week. unlike every other new year's resolution i have ever had - i've been successful! i already feel better.

the picture is my roommate savannah. she's very photogenic and quite the beauty...clearly. i am booking photoshoots for january. huge discounts if you are in nashville. message me if you are interested.

i've caught the hanson bug.

two.

2009-01-06T14:25:00.000-08:00

a playlist for you from me:

1. "my girls" by animal collective
2. "hoppipolla" by sigur ros
3. "sweet thing" by van morrison
4. "comes and goes" by greg laswell
5. "use somebody" by the kings of leon
6. "moonlight sonata" by beethoven
7. "summer 78" by yann tiersen

i've been reading a lot of oswald chambers recently.

one.

2009-01-06T13:44:00.000-08:00

here's another place for my imagination.