matters of the heart.

i expected moving from nashville back to texas to be a breeze. to be relatively boring. just finishing school and then onto something else. well, it's been six months and it's been everything but what i thought it was going to be. i suppose that is how it always goes though, right?

before continuing, i would suggest reading one of my previous notes about my back and nashville. it would just make more sense.

the past six months:
1. my phone has been broken, replaced, number changed, and stolen. yes, friends i am still without phone. this isn't exactly a matter of the heart, but i think some people are under the impression i am ignoring them. i am not. promise.

2. every place i move to, every job i take, and the school/major i decide on, i always do my best to make sure it is in God's will. i regret none of my moves. how could i? i am healed both physically and spiritually. i live for a very great God. but who is perfect? i can't seem to stop doing careless or stupid things. we are self serving, myself included. always looking out for number one. i am so ashamed and disappointed in myself when i think of some of the things i've done. fortunately, my God forgives. not only forgives, but renews, strengthens, and gives wisdom when we ask.

3. when i moved back to texas i more or less became a hermit. eh - hermit seems like such a negative word. more - i retreated. i intentionally cut myself off from people and places to do some much needed cleaning. i want(ed) to become who God needs me to be. i want(ed) to make sure that what i am doing is not blessing me, but blessing God. because, after all, my only purpose is to glorify Him. i put down my camera, i threw away material things (cloths, jewelry, books, etc), and i picked up my Bible. i started praying. i love how eager God is to meet with me, even when i ignore Him for so long. i wish i could be more like that to other people, and that other people could show me that forgiveness and love.

4. even during my quest to clean and gain wisdom, i kept failing myself. i kept slipping and doing things i knew i shouldn't. sometimes, i act much older than i really am. and sometimes, i act much younger than i really am.

5. i've lost touch with a wonderful friend i didn't even realize i loved so much until he was gone (don't you hate that?). i've come to realize that i am a bad communicator. i just do things. and i have my reasons for doing things the way i do, and in my head they all make sense, but i never verbalize them when i need to. i am constantly learning and...i am trying. i am sorry.

6. this journey i am on i never expect to end. i don't want it to. i look forward so much to each day and the ways i know i will see God. He loves me. even when i am down and at my lowest of lows, He loves me and wants nothing more than to pick me up and carry me. it's exciting to think of our bodies as merely vessels. that this world really isn't our home. and someday, we'll be called back Home.

7. i love you all. and even if i don't say it or show it, you've each impacted me in a way i am so thankful for.

thirty-five.

heat wave.

thirty-four

i always assume people do not like me. so i'm always really surprised when i find out that someone likes me/wants to be my friend.

recent circumstances have reminded me how fragile i truly am. i have not had a hug in 45 days. (but who is counting?) these recent circumstances have also led me to do a "deep cleaning" of my spirit. who has read the book "the host"? it's kinda...screwy, but i like the concept. and as a believer in Jesus Christ, i think it's an important concept for christians to understand. these physical bodies are merely vessels. this is not our home. we are ONLY here to glorify God.

so i've been looking back and looking to now - have i been glorifying God?

there are a few things i regret terribly (to the extent that it has literally made me sick):
1. leaving HSU. i shouldn't have. God wanted me there. and i knew it. i only wonder what i have missed out on now..
2. certain relationships. but i think a lot of people have this one. if i knew then what i know now - i wouldn't date all but one of the guys i dated.

sometimes i get frustrated with the wisdom i have now because i wish i had it then. does that make sense?

i'm jumping around a lot.

things i've changed:
1. i no longer listen to music. (i take that back - everybody should be listening to mj right now) recently, it all just sounds like noise. even "the good stuff" that isn't on the radio. noise. it's just a phase.
2. it has been almost 60 days since i touched my camera. i'm not sure when i'll pick it up again.
3. i...am...tan(ish). well, i go to the pool and i wear a swimsuit and i don't freak out. this is a big deal.
4. i have not done anything to my hair in almost 60 days. i don't touch it when i get out of the shower. i don't even know where my dryer is.
5. i'm in a bible study.

my heart is hurting on a completely new level. i can't explain it. it's not a "woe is me" kind of hurt. it's a - necessary - hurt. like when you break a bone (that hurts) and you need to set it, but you don't want to because you know it will hurt so bad. i'm in a way setting the bone.

i have walked away from things i was (and honestly still would like to) holding on to. i am being open to different things.

i've been in a sort of solitary refinement.