our world is temporary. you can't have it and you can't hold on to it. the more you try, the more it will actually take hold of you. seek truth and cling to it. then you will really be free.

the world teaches us to see with an eye devoid of conscious. true, pure good looses its draw. evil becomes intriguing and full of charm.

"Where the eye is focused, there the imagination finds its raw material. The right focus must be won at immense cost and discipline. Train the eye to see the good, and the imagination will follow suit."





a Polaroid a day for 365 days by my dear friend, Parker Fitzgerald.
it's hard to pick a favorite. i love the quotes. google them and read them in context!





(take care of your soul.)

nouveau.

after feeling completely uninspired the past four months, i have learned that it is impossible to truly be uninspired...just lazy. now it is time, again, for the creation to create. i like working with my hands. sitting in a classroom all day pushes me to insanity - i need to be writing, photographing, sewing, creating. i may not live up to other people's standards of an artist, but that is fine because i shouldn't be doing anything for my own glory. these lives are not ours to live - they are the Lord's. i am a steward of the time and talents He has given me. i don't want anything other than my relationships with Christ and with people to define me. anything else would be like chasing after the wind - and i would never be satisfied.

"am i now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? or am i trying to please men? if i were still trying to please men, i would not be a servant of Christ." - galatians 1:10

can i be so vulnerable as to say that i sometimes i have to pray to WANT to seek God's heart? i am no one by my own accord, and it has taken a swift kick in the rear to make me truly understand that i can be someone by God's grace and i NEED to be constantly relying on Him and pursuing Him to grow into that woman. i think the simplest advice i have ever been given was to "seek God. in everything, seek God." this is profound, to me, because i can count on one hand how many times this past month i have actually done so. and i am shamefaced. instead of running faster when i have lost my way, like most of us have a tendency to do, i want to take the focus off of myself (where it never should have been) and find ways to bless God, instead of looking for Him to bless me.

things of late that have inspired me:



blonde birdie



blonde birdie





did you know that owl's feathers are designed to be noiseless when they fly? that way their prey (who are nocturnal and rely mostly on sound) cannot hear them coming.

blague du jour:

le maître demande: "qu'est-ce qui est le plus près, l'angleterre ou la lune?"
toto: "la lune bien sûr !"
le maître: "comment peux-tu penser ça?"
toto: "ben… la lune on peut la voir d'ici, l'angleterre non!"

matters of the heart.

i expected moving from nashville back to texas to be a breeze. to be relatively boring. just finishing school and then onto something else. well, it's been six months and it's been everything but what i thought it was going to be. i suppose that is how it always goes though, right?

before continuing, i would suggest reading one of my previous notes about my back and nashville. it would just make more sense.

the past six months:
1. my phone has been broken, replaced, number changed, and stolen. yes, friends i am still without phone. this isn't exactly a matter of the heart, but i think some people are under the impression i am ignoring them. i am not. promise.

2. every place i move to, every job i take, and the school/major i decide on, i always do my best to make sure it is in God's will. i regret none of my moves. how could i? i am healed both physically and spiritually. i live for a very great God. but who is perfect? i can't seem to stop doing careless or stupid things. we are self serving, myself included. always looking out for number one. i am so ashamed and disappointed in myself when i think of some of the things i've done. fortunately, my God forgives. not only forgives, but renews, strengthens, and gives wisdom when we ask.

3. when i moved back to texas i more or less became a hermit. eh - hermit seems like such a negative word. more - i retreated. i intentionally cut myself off from people and places to do some much needed cleaning. i want(ed) to become who God needs me to be. i want(ed) to make sure that what i am doing is not blessing me, but blessing God. because, after all, my only purpose is to glorify Him. i put down my camera, i threw away material things (cloths, jewelry, books, etc), and i picked up my Bible. i started praying. i love how eager God is to meet with me, even when i ignore Him for so long. i wish i could be more like that to other people, and that other people could show me that forgiveness and love.

4. even during my quest to clean and gain wisdom, i kept failing myself. i kept slipping and doing things i knew i shouldn't. sometimes, i act much older than i really am. and sometimes, i act much younger than i really am.

5. i've lost touch with a wonderful friend i didn't even realize i loved so much until he was gone (don't you hate that?). i've come to realize that i am a bad communicator. i just do things. and i have my reasons for doing things the way i do, and in my head they all make sense, but i never verbalize them when i need to. i am constantly learning and...i am trying. i am sorry.

6. this journey i am on i never expect to end. i don't want it to. i look forward so much to each day and the ways i know i will see God. He loves me. even when i am down and at my lowest of lows, He loves me and wants nothing more than to pick me up and carry me. it's exciting to think of our bodies as merely vessels. that this world really isn't our home. and someday, we'll be called back Home.

7. i love you all. and even if i don't say it or show it, you've each impacted me in a way i am so thankful for.

thirty-five.

heat wave.

thirty-four

i always assume people do not like me. so i'm always really surprised when i find out that someone likes me/wants to be my friend.

recent circumstances have reminded me how fragile i truly am. i have not had a hug in 45 days. (but who is counting?) these recent circumstances have also led me to do a "deep cleaning" of my spirit. who has read the book "the host"? it's kinda...screwy, but i like the concept. and as a believer in Jesus Christ, i think it's an important concept for christians to understand. these physical bodies are merely vessels. this is not our home. we are ONLY here to glorify God.

so i've been looking back and looking to now - have i been glorifying God?

there are a few things i regret terribly (to the extent that it has literally made me sick):
1. leaving HSU. i shouldn't have. God wanted me there. and i knew it. i only wonder what i have missed out on now..
2. certain relationships. but i think a lot of people have this one. if i knew then what i know now - i wouldn't date all but one of the guys i dated.

sometimes i get frustrated with the wisdom i have now because i wish i had it then. does that make sense?

i'm jumping around a lot.

things i've changed:
1. i no longer listen to music. (i take that back - everybody should be listening to mj right now) recently, it all just sounds like noise. even "the good stuff" that isn't on the radio. noise. it's just a phase.
2. it has been almost 60 days since i touched my camera. i'm not sure when i'll pick it up again.
3. i...am...tan(ish). well, i go to the pool and i wear a swimsuit and i don't freak out. this is a big deal.
4. i have not done anything to my hair in almost 60 days. i don't touch it when i get out of the shower. i don't even know where my dryer is.
5. i'm in a bible study.

my heart is hurting on a completely new level. i can't explain it. it's not a "woe is me" kind of hurt. it's a - necessary - hurt. like when you break a bone (that hurts) and you need to set it, but you don't want to because you know it will hurt so bad. i'm in a way setting the bone.

i have walked away from things i was (and honestly still would like to) holding on to. i am being open to different things.

i've been in a sort of solitary refinement.

thirty-four.

a few of my favorite things:


1. chanel chance perfume
2. romantic wish body butter
3. irish spring body soap
4. laundry detergent - either plain ol' tide or gain lavender
5. purses that go across your body
6. izze sparkling apple or blackberry
7. sans pellegrino
8. basset hounds and german shepherds
9. writing in cursive
10. adventures in odyssey! (don't judge me)
11. chips and salsa
12. avacados
13. converse (low)
14. safari shirts
15. the color grey
16. cool weather
17. stormy weather
18. coffee
19. pie
20. pale skin
21. french language
22. paper lanterns
23. red, red roses
24. disposable cameras
25. white nail polish
26. getting to bed before 10
27. apple cinnamon candles
28. rings
29. high waisted skirts
30. van morrison







6/24 update:
not to be a downer, but i really don't like my life.
the past 45 days have been hell-ish.

thirty two

thirty - one

about me: my name is ali. i am 22. i reside in south texas. i am an english major. i listen to: van morrison, eisley, yann tiersen, debussy, rolling stones. i really do not care for sunshine. cloud cover and/or thunderstorms are comforting to me. i want to live somewhere someday where the weather is stormy all the time. in a small house with lots of windows. i prefer to wear tennies all the time - i own maybe one pair of sandals. i impulsively buy books. i have drawers full of books and someday i will get around to reading them all. loud noises make me anxious. coffee runs through my veins. i am a true, unfortunate addict. i think we don't see the physical miracles we read about in the Bible anymore because our faith is so limited. nothing encourages my heart and my faith more than to tell people of the love and new life my God has given me. Jesus is not your homeboy, He is your Lord and Savior. I think the Church has watered down His Divinity over time and it's something that needs to be focused on more. i have a sister. she is unbelievably intelligent. her name is lauren, she is nine, and she tests at a PHS (post high school) level. i am quiet, introspective and not very good at first impressions. i am not the life of the party. some people may consider me boring. they're probably right.


"to never forget your own insignificance. to never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. to seek joy in the saddest places. to never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. to respect strength, never power. above all, to watch. to try and understand. to never look away. and never, never, to forget."

thirty

good coffee:
1. portland brew
2. fro mo
(oh man. i'm missing nashville now)
3. seattle's best - my fav

bad coffee:
1. starbucks
(seriously. folgers is better)

currently reading four books:
1. the visitation
2. monster
3. for women only
4. lies women believe and the truth that sets them free
(i know, i know)

recently, i've had this overwhelming desire to go back to oregon. my love and obsession with rain and overcast skies has returned. actually, so much so that this sunny weather we have almost everyday here is driving me nuts. my eyes hurt.

i am putting down my camera...for now. no more shoots - don't email me right now. i'm needing to...more or less...retreat into myself and my God. i kinda don't want to talk to anyone for a while. which it's funny, because it's not like i talk a lot anyway.

twenty-nine

you look so beautiful, it hurts me slightly.

twenty-eight

new news:
1. got a job.
2. found out i don't have time for a job...we'll see how that goes.
3. got a 4.0 this semester.
4. will be going to UTSA this summer.
5. mayyyy be going to UNT in denton this fall!
6. major: english/journalism. something of the like.
7. lots of new, good new things. stressful new things. but good new things.
8. but one not-so-good new thing makes all of this seem so insignificant.

conversation between my mom, dad, and lauren:
lauren: i know we can't have a cat because ali is allergic....and it's not her fault, but when is she moving out?
mom: well, i don't know. maybe at the end of the summer.
dad: lauren, even when ali moves out we're not getting a cat. i don't like cats.
lauren: when are you moving out?






come on come on, lets take a chance now
we could fall in love
come on come on, lets take a chance now
we could fall in love

stealing to your window, again
now i say "we could fall in love"
sighing in exasperation,
"no." you say again "this simply is not love"

and i just know that we could work out
even though your royalty and i am not
but there's a chance that you are wrong and
i am right this time

come on come on lets take a chance now
we could fall in love
come on come on lets take a chance now
we could fall in love

thrashing through the fen and dew,
i thought what i wouldn't do for you
stealing hearts of Marsh King's daughters,
well this is something new

and i just know that we could work out
even though your royalty and i am not
but there's a chance that you are wrong
and i am right this time and you are out of line

come on darling run with me, we'll take the bog on foot
we'll be not lost you see, though dark the bog shall be
when we arrive there on our feet you just stay close to me

come on come on lets take a chance now
we could fall in love
come on come on lets take a chance now
we could fall in love

bring the rain and the bring the mire
because we've always been okay
there was this time not too long ago that
you listened to me say

come on come on lets take a chance now
we could fall in love
come on come on lets take a chance now
we could fall in love




God will awaken adam when eve is ready.

twenty-seven

uhm - someone please get me a baby hound dog. one of my own. how can you resist that?


"one thing i truly knew - knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest...was how love gave someone the power to break you."


i don't know what is happening. and i quite literally walk around gasping for air.

"with shaky legs, ignoring the fact that my action was useless, i followed him into the forest. the evidence of his path had disappeared instantly. there were no footprints, the leaves were still again, but i walked forward without thinking. i could not do anything else. i had to keep moving. if i stopped looking for him, it was over. love, life, meaning...over."





















where you are is the right place for me.

twenty-six.

how come Ric Rac Clothing is so expensive (apart from the fact that their pieces are unique and beautiful)?

tegan and sara - yes
lykke li - yes
debussy (even before twilight, ok!) - yes
bumble and bumble seaweed shampoo - yes
chanel chance - yes
disney's the kid - yes
arrested development - yes
I35 - no

trent tells me i'm fragile. i would like to argue that statement, but the bruises that cover my legs lost that battle. oh, this week i fell twice...all the way to the ground...face plant. ouch.

*pain isn't optional, but misery is.

twenty-five.

i had the most incredible cheesecake and chocolate swirl brownies tonight. they were so good i had to create a whole post just to tell y'all about them. oh, and starting now i only drink water (lots of), coffee, and tea. that's it.

twenty-four.

my must have fashion list for the spring/summer (on a budget):

1. football pants! so versatile. really. they can be cute. promise.
2. american apparel strapless body suits. last year i got about 987523 of them (mayyybe an exaggeration) and they are magical. wear them with anything. and don't judge the bodysuit until you wear one. no tucking required.
3. american apparel black (and only black) mesh bodysuit. can be difficult to wear, but meagan proctor and i discovered some cute styles last summer with them.
4. biker shorts. er...i guess that's what they are called (i have no athletic cred. trent would be embarrassed. ha.) - those short leggings. in black. they have to be the short ones. too hot otherwise.
5. long tank tops.
6. vests. structured (still looking for one) and long, cotton ones.
7. white linen shorts.
8. button-up, collared shirts. roll up dem sleeves!
9. the v-neck.
10. tiered skirts. and always the classic black skirt.
11. gladiator sandals.
12. baseball shirts.
13. ruffled tank tops (check target).
14. wide leg jeans.
15. big belts.

even though i do think it's stylish and cute - i'm trying very hard to not look like i covered myself in glue and rolled around in urban outfitters or american apparel.

there's what's in my closet this season (minus the football pants and structured vest...i can't find the ones i'm after). all affordable. not much. mix and match-able.

twenty-three.

look at me - another post!

i do not, not, not want to offend anyone. and nothing i'm going to say is directed at any person (i hate how you have to preface so much with that nowadays).

1. nothing would please me more than to never have to deal with texas tech university ever again. i went there and it sucked. my adviser never advised me. no one was ever helpful. i did not have a good academic experience there. and it us unacceptable to take almost THREE MONTHS to send a transcript. seriously, tech? because of them and their inability to get things done - i may not get into UTSA. the deadline was may 1st. i requested transcripts to be sent from TTU to UTSA in march. UTSA said that even though i did everything i was supposed to, if TTU didn't send the transcript by the deadline...i can't get in. dear tech, if that's true...get ready for a very angry lady and her parents. this is the forth time i've requested transcripts from them. each time took a ridiculous amount of time to come in. it's a good school - i just didn't have a good experience.
2. i have friends with tattoos and facial piercings, so don't think that i'm judging the person at all - but i simply think they take away from people's beauty. my eyes immediately go to the metal on someone's face - even if they have the most beautiful eyes, i don't notice them right off. i used to want some tattoos and i'm glad i was too chicken to go through with it. not that i necessarily disagree with tattoos or piercings (i think it depends on who gives them to you) - they just aren't for me.
3. i've been adding cinnamon to my coffee. yumm...
4. i don't think i'm a bad photographer, but i don't think i'm good either. i look at some people's photos and i'll think "yeah, i'm not bad at all" (ha) and i'll look at other people's photos and i won't even be able to call myself a photographer, much less a good one. i know they style of photographs i'm going for and i don't know how to get there except to just practice and take lots of pictures. but since i've moved to san antonio - i don't know anyone here to take pictures of. i'm in a creative rut and i want to get out, i just don't have the means to do so right now.
5. some photogs i admire:
tec petaja (if i ever get married he WILL be taking my photos. i love how his work doesn't look over processed. it's very clean).
allister ann (she takes the most simple things and shows their deepest beauty).
keaton andrew (i think his photos are very versitile. they're pretty, they're edgy, and they're unique...which is very hard to be).
joy newell (breath of life. literally. she's so young and she's so talented. i don't have words to express how her photos make me feel. i want her to take my photograph).
lara jade (very avante garde. she belongs in a magazine. another young talented lady).
lauren stonestreet (my soul sister. constantly growing. always impressing me. you must take the time to look at her africa pictures).
6. sometimes i miss my bangs, but i'm determined to grow them out!!
7. i need a nice part time job. or more photoshoots. help a sister out, please?

twenty-two.

sometimes i'm real motivated to keep this, but most of the time i don't think twice about it. here are some ramblings and things going on in my head and in my heart:

(list form...as usual...i'm a list maker)

1. tax return came in. more than i thought. hooray for being a dependent. i have, however, had a strangely hard time purchasing anything other than gas and the necessities with it. i'm trying to convince myself that i need to be responsible with it. and i can't justify spending $50 on a top, no matter how much i like it. so this spring/summer i will not be able to call myself a trendsetter. how sad. growing up can be a drag.

2. i'm clumsy and have a low self esteem. used to, i was okay with this. now i'm not. my legs are covered in bruises from the countless falls and trips i take. my boyfriend tells me i need to be more careful and be aware of my surroundings. it's easy when he's here - he just carries me everywhere. he doesn't let me fall, but when he's gone...well...then he's gone. and i don't like that. my low self esteem is also something i've been working on. except i really don't know how to work on it. i do little things like not allowing myself to look through magazines or other people's myspace/facebook pictures because i always get down on myself. but lately that just isn't enough. i pray about it. my identity is in Christ. but who and what does He want me to be? so if anyone has a suggestion on how to work on low self esteem...please let me know.

3. in America - about 200 people out of 300 million have swine flu. i'm not sure how this constitutes as an epidemic. but good news texas - 23 million of us don't have it.

4. i think it's much easier to love someone than to like someone. i really struggle with liking many people.

5. there are a lot of wonderful people in my life. i'm blessed.

twenty-one.

before eight this morning i booked two photo shoots. i can't tell you how happy it makes me to take pictures and i haven't in too long.

waiting on that tax return:

- by MyChanel featuring Stella McCartney jackets

Things Change, Beauty Remains by KatieFashionista♥ featuring Christian Louboutin heels & wedges

twenty.

i'm bad at this blogging thing. i never look on here. actually, i'm in the slow process of dropping off the face of the internet world.

too much is new and i don't care to update it all on here (only out of laziness). life is great. no complaints. janelle got married this past weekend and her wedding was....was...there are no words. seriously. that beautiful. and what was the first thing her brother told us when we showed up, but - "hey! did you know jessica simpson got married here??!" hahahaha. austin is a magical place and i want to live there someday soon.

since i'm so bad at updating this i decided i would post pictures and links of finds that i particularly fancy. here i go:




(zebra print)
this must be my summer of dresses.


severe cold. no fun. woke up to thunder and hail this morning - that was neat.