Saturday, January 17, 2009

eleven. (the real update)

1. over the past few months i've finally (after so long) made myself vulnerable to my God. He's rocked my world. quite literally. that'll be a post in itself. oh my i love Him so much. i want to tell random people i don't even know what all He has done in my life recently.

2. people (mostly family) don't understand why i go where i go to do the things that i do. well here is the answer, and it's quite simple: i go wherever i think the Lord is directing me. even if i don't really know why, i will go. because He is enough. He has been, is, and will always be my sustainer. He has done too many radical things and made Himself too real for me to not do what He says. i want more than anything to be where He wants me. because, trust me, when you are in the perfect will of the Lord - awesome. things. happen.

3. my photography has been put on the back burner for such a long time. only because i've been so discouraged with it. i look at other people who have a nice camera and think that it automatically makes them a photographer. it's frustrating! because it doesn't. and i hope people don't think i think i'm a photographer merely because i own a nice nikon. i've finally reached a point and a confidence where i don't mind if i don't measure up to your photography standards. i do this for me. it's my outlet. and i want to grow and get better. and i have people who support me in it and say i'm good.

4. i all of a sudden like painting my nails. i've never done that until recently.

5. i miss california quite terribly.

6. 2009 is showing itself to be a beautiful year. i feel very clear direction from God on things i never had. finally.

7. pretentiousness. pretentiousness. pretentiousness. is so irritating. nashville wreaks of it. it's funny because before i moved to nashville i might say i was a bit on the pretentious side. and i cared so much about style and my hair and blah, blah, blah. then i got here and saw how consumed this city is with appearance and show that it literally gave me a headache.

8. my heart has been shifting and moving in a totally new direction. my foundations and passions are mostly the same, but my perspective on them is completely different. i don't care how you look and how i look. i care about our hearts. i don't want your show. that sort of thing doesn't impress me.

9. i urge everyone, including myself, to pursue what you love. not what you think you should love or what other people tell you to love. people become very transparent and obvious when they stop following their own heart and start following other people's.

10. i am quiet and i am okay with it. i do not like being the center of attention and there is nothing wrong with that. i hate crowds and parties and that doesn't mean there is something wrong with me. just like i don't understand some people, i suspect some people don't understand me. we all have to be okay with that.

11. my pet peeve is when people say they are going to do something, but they never do.

12. my heart has finally found a home. it's not necessarily a place.

13. i don't have a problem with tattoos, but i don't think i could ever get one. and it's funny because i used to want one so badly. but everyone is different. and for me writing "faith" or "love" on my wrists doesn't make sense anymore. if faith is believing in something that isn't seen, then why do i want a visual reminder? i used to be so attracted to tattoos, too. thought they were dreamy and stuff. not anymore., no.

14. 2007 to 2008: nothing substantial happened in my life. i'd honestly have to think hard to remember anything notable. but just the past five months i could probably write a book. i love hearing people's testimonies. but i almost wish there was another word or idea for it because to me no one's testimony is finished. it won't be until Jesus takes us home. but if someone were to ask me what my testimony was (up until now), a good chuck of it would be based around the past few months.

15. there are so many things i want to be and so many places i want to go. i wonder if one lifetime will be enough.

16. lately i've felt like so many people's words are empty. tell me something real. something you mean. if you want to be my my friend! don't just say you want to be, but then become too busy.

17. and i'm with lydia - it's ridiculous how much we judge people based on their myspace or facebook. i refuse.

18. dear america, please - support israel.

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