thirty-four

i always assume people do not like me. so i'm always really surprised when i find out that someone likes me/wants to be my friend.

recent circumstances have reminded me how fragile i truly am. i have not had a hug in 45 days. (but who is counting?) these recent circumstances have also led me to do a "deep cleaning" of my spirit. who has read the book "the host"? it's kinda...screwy, but i like the concept. and as a believer in Jesus Christ, i think it's an important concept for christians to understand. these physical bodies are merely vessels. this is not our home. we are ONLY here to glorify God.

so i've been looking back and looking to now - have i been glorifying God?

there are a few things i regret terribly (to the extent that it has literally made me sick):
1. leaving HSU. i shouldn't have. God wanted me there. and i knew it. i only wonder what i have missed out on now..
2. certain relationships. but i think a lot of people have this one. if i knew then what i know now - i wouldn't date all but one of the guys i dated.

sometimes i get frustrated with the wisdom i have now because i wish i had it then. does that make sense?

i'm jumping around a lot.

things i've changed:
1. i no longer listen to music. (i take that back - everybody should be listening to mj right now) recently, it all just sounds like noise. even "the good stuff" that isn't on the radio. noise. it's just a phase.
2. it has been almost 60 days since i touched my camera. i'm not sure when i'll pick it up again.
3. i...am...tan(ish). well, i go to the pool and i wear a swimsuit and i don't freak out. this is a big deal.
4. i have not done anything to my hair in almost 60 days. i don't touch it when i get out of the shower. i don't even know where my dryer is.
5. i'm in a bible study.

my heart is hurting on a completely new level. i can't explain it. it's not a "woe is me" kind of hurt. it's a - necessary - hurt. like when you break a bone (that hurts) and you need to set it, but you don't want to because you know it will hurt so bad. i'm in a way setting the bone.

i have walked away from things i was (and honestly still would like to) holding on to. i am being open to different things.

i've been in a sort of solitary refinement.